Hear my prayers, a testament of Faith by Ellen Dass
April 25, 2011
The Lord’s Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
I was real young when my world came crashing around my ears and it continued to crash continuously for 19 years.
My family is not religious. My mom is a non-practicing Catholic and my father is agnostic was Southern Baptist (by?). We approached religion in a “hands-off” intellectual manner (meaning book learning and introduction to religion by friends). I vaguely knew of Jesus & God. I had a few encounters, but that’s getting ahead of myself.
So, a few years ago I attempted to read the Bible, starting with Genesis. My intent was to read cover to cover. My goal, to be able to argue with which ever bible thumping missionary that would knock on my door. And, I failed…miserably. I couldn’t get past a few pages. I also failed to realize that the Bible is a compendium. I could have started anywhere.
Now that I’ve finally learned this, I’ve found it easier to read and I go where God inspires me.
If you ever noticed throughout the Bible, as far as I’ve read (and I haven’t read the whole thing yet), whenever a believer/skeptic/non-believer calls the Lord out: “If you are truly God, prove it” “Do this, God, if you are real” “When I have the proof I’ll believe”, you know what God does? Nothing. That’s right, nothing. Who are we to call out our Creator and demand proof? We must first believe and God will bestow upon us blessings unimagined in our weak fallen-human imagination.
**How I lost my quasi-faith the first time**
I was born hearing-impaired along with my 2 sisters. I was teased mercilessly, bullied, had a speech impediment, and was actually put in special education because the teachers thought I was mentally retarded, or at least had some kind of learning disability. I was 9 when I prayed to a God I didn’t know or believe in, every night. “God, if you are real, please give me normal hearing.” “If you restore my hearing I’ll believe in you.” Needless to say, the prayers went unanswered. That summer, my world would REND ; I would be broken beyond repair. My faith in anything would be ripped from me and be replaced with fear, bitterness, and anger. I was sexually assaulted by someone that was supposed to be trusted. I was shattered and never the same. My parents thought I was rebellious, but I was too ashamed to tell them. I acted out at home and in school. Two years later, at the urging of my best friend, I finally gathered the courage to tell my parents. But they called me a liar. This further hurt me as one can only imagine.
For the next five years I struggled with disappointment, fear, worthlessness, and anger. I acted out continuously. Put on a brave face and died a little each day. I was building a wall of self-protection to keep people out. I was LONELY, but I made it to high school.
I became a binge-alcoholic, eventually reconnected and became involved in a Stockholm-esque (syndrome) relationship with the person that molested me the summer before my sophomore year in high school. Then, he broke my heart.
**See you At the Pole & Christian treachery**
My best friend was Christian. She was also, young, naive, gullible, and looking for leadership. So we joined the Christian Athlete’s Club (I don’t recall the name fully). That year we gathered for “See you at the Pole” ( http://syatp.com/). I was open and searching too. I’d been broken for so long that I was yearning to be healed. I invited the Holy Spirit in. The experience was life-altering at the time. I felt the burden lift, I felt FREE. I was overcome with indescribable joy, fell to my knees, crying, and praising Jesus. This is what I had been looking for during the preceding 5 years. Shortly afterward I was baptized (born again {after all- I had been baptized as a baby-per catholic tradition}), in my best friend’s church. But I didn’t realize that Christians are under attack. We are weak; we must maintain fellowship and pack away the WORD for it is our weapon, our armor, our sword, and our shield. I was unprepared. I was betrayed.
**Strife, life in high school (losing my God)**
Up to this point betrayal was already a normal part of my life. However, I didn’t expect it from my best friends. Rumors spread around about me. They were either fueled by or substantiated by my best friends. They didn’t defend me. I became more lonely and retreated to my walls. I tried to die. I willed myself to die. I was tormented. I tried counseling, drugs, changing my schedule,dropping out of school, suicide.
Suicide, an abomination.
**The Hand of God in face of my unbelief**
By conventional wisdom I should be dead 4-5 times over. Each suicide attempt (there were 3) was unsuccessful, and they should have succeeded. I have absolutely no ill effects from each attempt. No internal nor external damage to testify to the fact I’ve tried.
I should be scattered at the bottom of a ravine. Witnesses told me that the way my car hit the retaining wall at 80+ miles per hour, with more than half the car tilting over the edge of the wall over the ravine, by the laws of physics, should have gone over. I walked away angry and with a bruise. Did I praise God for his hand?
No, I was angry. He never answered my pleas at 9. He allowed me to be sexually assaulted. I was having troubles at home. Not long after, I moved out and spent some time homeless.
**More Failure**
I bounced around a lot. I was hurting. I was fighting with my family, physically as well as verbally (abuse both ways). I finally hit 18 and was OUT the door. I moved in with a good friend of mine and started working. I was moderately happy. But I was a terrible, weak sinner, I was promiscuous, I cheated etc. I met and started a relationship with an older co-worker that moved in with me (& my friend). The next 2 years were hell on earth. He quickly became verbally and physically abusive. He raped me, another co-worker friend raped me. My friends witnessed him beating up on me and did absolutely nothing. Where was God? Merciful, loving, forgiving God? Did he hate me? Was I being punished?
At 19, I became unintentionally pregnant. I was pressured by everyone to have an abortion. So I did. Things just kept getting worse. One day, I had enough of being a punching bag and called the police for help. I was arrested for “assault with bodily injury”. His injury? The knot we all have at the base of our skulls. Mine? A huge, quickly filling bruise on my left arm, a torn shirt with a scratch across my chest, a swelling bottom lip and jaw, a scuff on my right elbow where he kicked me with his steel-toed boots. I was 1/3 his size. God must hate me! How could a reasonable man arrest me and leave him free to wander the streets?
**The sky….I can’t tell if it’s still falling**
In short order: I was evicted, I lost my job, and to my humiliation, I had to move back in with my parents. I was desperate. I tried to join the Navy and Army, but due to my hearing impairment, despite my intelligence, my physical strength, and phenomenal memory, I was unable to secure a waiver and was denied entry. So, I met my first husband, at the Navy recruiting center. I thought it was fate. My ticket out. I was raped by a “friend” shortly after I started dating my future husband and he accused me of cheating on him. Yet, my worthlessness had me pleading and he stuck around….ish. I spent the next 7 1/2 years in hell. A loveless marriage, with a man that requested a baby so he could control me. Who couldn’t be reliable and kept fighting while in the Navy. He kept getting 45 day restriction, 6 months 1/2 pay, demotions, and spent the family money without consulting me. When our daughter was 7 days old, he and our roommate left our 2 bed, 2 bath, 2 story townhouse a WRECK, in UTTER disarray with out even putting together her crib before leaving on a 4 month turned 6 month deployment. He got out of the Navy and we moved back to Austin. He beat me over the head for having been a stay at home mother and overextended us on car loans and a mortgage. Right away he quit working leaving me to pay multiple notes and childcare, causing us to have the vehicles repossessed and the house foreclosed. Along with many many many things that will just take too long to list.
**Blink**
I must have blinked. I had been a single mother since my daughter was born. I spent my pregnancy unsupported and heckled by her biological father. And now, I found myself back at mom and dad’s. Humiliated and defeated again. Why God? What grievous sin did I commit at age 9?
**Hope?**
Then, when my daughter was 2, I met my savior, a Marine in San Antonio. He was intelligent, handsome, and willing to talk to me despite me having a child. I fell in love with him the first time I kissed him. This was LOVE! But, I still hated myself. I was still an angry petulant woman-child. I still retreated to my walls. So, 1 1/2 years into the relationship, in his weakness he cheated. Once, and immediately regretted it. He buried it so deep he forgot about it. Then, against my convictions I moved from Austin to San Antonio to be with him. I created a schism between us that would only deepen.
**I hope it hurt**
Four months before our 3 year anniversary I was offered a promotion, raise, training, and a free trip to the Grand Canyon. I was ecstatic, despite the gulf between us, I thought things would be ok; even though I’d be out of town a lot.I sinned. I was evil. I cheated, frequently, with glee and malice. I returned to it often over the course of 2 weeks. I didn’t know I had been hurting and all I could think was ” I hope it hurts” because he never showed me emotion (my reasoning). I clubbed my Marine with such an unfathomable betrayal. And I was remorseless. There could be no coming back from this, this was the kiss of death. But instead, a miracle (or folly?) happened. He fought for me! I’m not worth anything, why was he fighting for me?! I actually struggled with my decision to end the relationship. I sought counsel…. I skewed facts so that the advice would be what I was looking for.
I had a friend tell me about myself in the middle of the night in a gas station parking lot, I was driving back from Dallas(training) to San Antonio.
Then, I agreed to try going to church with my Marine, thinking nothing would come of it. After all, his encounter with the Christian faith had been dishonest due to chasing a skirt into Church. I felt that his past would dictate the outcome of our excursion to church and I’d be rid of him soon. What we didn’t know what that the first little church we attended would be the only one we’d check out. It’s our home now. The skeptic actually respected the priest (a feat in and of itself). God touched our hearts & we slowly came back. Our relationship began to heal as we began to heal. We’re human and are still dealing with the ramifications of our indiscretions.
**You want a miracle?**
We got married. (Kind of a surprise when you consider how soon after my betrayal it came.) ( Jason and I got married 3 months later, the day before our 3 year anniversary {only because our actual anniversary was on Sunday}) He accepted Jesus and was baptized, we were both confirmed and I started feeling happier. The presence of the Lord is awesome, joyful, gratifying, and peaceful. But God wasn’t/isn’t done with me by a LONG SHOT. I was partaking in personal ministry and sat in for a deliverance intercession. POWERFUL and incredibly spiritual. When we were done, my burden was lifted and my miracles, as noted by my husband:
1. I look younger, the fine lines on my face have disappeared.
2. I’m actually happy
3. will follow after this:
I AM NOT HEARING IMPAIRED ANYMORE. And guess what… It almost sucks! Things are LOUD! I can’t sleep at night anymore because I hear the downstairs neighbor whooping at all hours of the night! I need either ear plugs or ear muffs to vacuum because the noise pains me. I need BOTH to go shooting. And I have to learn to recognize the sounds I’ve never heard before. This is a hard work.
4. I’m losing my deaf accent.
Accepting Christ might bring salvation, but that’s the beginning of the journey. We are called to spread the good news. I am up in the middle of the night because God wants me to testify. Normally I’m sleepy by now, but I am wide awake. Heed the call Christians. The news is GOOD. He knows his plans for us. My journey has just begun. I am human, I am weak and fallen by nature.
Father, give me the strength to follow you. Forgive me when I stumble. I praise you and I bask in your presence.
**still working on the Christian fellowship thing though…. So many years being lonely that’s a habit that’s hard to break**
-May the peace of the LORD be with you
Ellen
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
-Psalm 23
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